Understanding Attachment Theory: How It Shapes Our Relationships and Emotional Wellbeing...Can counselling help?

Amanda Baker
Oct 22
3 min read

Updated: Nov 26

By Amanda Baker, Psychotherapist & Counsellor

Healing Connections Psychotherapy & Counselling- Nambour, Sunshine Coast.

Individual Psychotherapy & Counselling, Couples & Marriage Counselling, Teens Counselling & Parent Consultations.

Attachment theory is an important concept in understanding how we connect with others — and with ourselves. Originally developed by John Bowlby, it describes how our early relationships with caregivers form a blueprint for how we relate to people throughout our lives.

These early patterns influence the way we seek comfort, express our needs, and respond to closeness or distance in relationships. Whether we’re aware of it or not, attachment shapes how safe, loved, and secure we feel — and how we respond when those feelings are threatened.

The Four Attachment Styles

While everyone’s experience is unique, attachment theory typically identifies four main styles:

Secure attachment – Feeling safe to depend on others while maintaining independence.
Anxious (Pre-occupied) attachment – Seeking closeness and reassurance but often fearing rejection or abandonment.
Avoidant (Dismissive) attachment – Valuing independence to the point of avoiding emotional closeness.
Disorganised (fearful avoidant) attachment – Experiencing both a desire for closeness and fear of it, often linked to inconsistent or traumatic early relationships.

What is important to know is these patterns are not fixed labels — they’re adaptive responses developed in early life to help us cope and feel safe emotionally. Over time, through awareness, reflection and support, they can shift as we build new ways of relating.

How Attachment Shapes Us as Individuals

Our attachment style can deeply affect how we understand ourselves and others. It influences self-esteem, trust, emotional regulation, and how we cope with stress or conflict.

For example, someone with a secure attachment may find it easier to manage emotions and rely on others for support. Meanwhile, someone with an anxious or avoidant pattern might experience inner tension — wanting connection but fearing it or feeling safest when emotionally distant.

Therapy can help uncover these patterns, offering insight and new ways of relating that feel safer and more authentic.

Attachment in Couples

In romantic relationships, attachment styles often play out in powerful ways. One partner might crave reassurance while the other withdraws when things feel intense — a dynamic that can create cycles of pursuit and distance.

Understanding these patterns allows couples to move away from blame and towards compassion. Instead of “you’re too needy” or “you never open up,” the focus shifts to what each person’s attachment needs are and how both partners can feel more secure together.

Couples therapy can support partners to:

Recognise triggers rooted in attachment insecurity
Communicate needs more effectively
Develop emotional safety and trust
Create a more balanced and connected relationship

Attachment and Adolescents

Adolescence is a key stage where attachment patterns are both tested and redefined. Teens begin to form deeper friendships, romantic connections, and a sense of identity outside the family — all while still needing emotional safety and support from caregivers.

A teen with an insecure attachment may struggle with self-image, independence, or managing emotions. They might pull away too quickly or depend heavily on peers for validation. Therapy can help adolescents explore these patterns in a supportive space, strengthening self-awareness, resilience, and healthier relationships with others.

Healing Through Connection

Attachment is not about blame — it’s about understanding. When we can identify our patterns, we can begin to heal old wounds and create new experiences of safety and connection.

Therapy offers a space to explore these dynamics with compassion. Whether you’re an individual seeking greater self-understanding, a couple wanting to heal or strengthen your bond, or a parent supporting your teen — exploring attachment can be a powerful step toward change and emotional wellbeing.

Curious to find out more? you can do a free Quiz here:

The Attachment Project: Learn Attachment Theory from Experts